I was sitting in the living room in Mustafa's condo...mulling over what had just transpired.
When we had returned from our walk, Mustafa indicated he was tired and headed for bed but I still felt restless and told him I would stay up for a bit perhaps to read or to write. He nodded, and after patting the top of my head headed to the hall and the bedroom.
I have to admit to feeling a bit unsettled.
I guess to be honest this whole experience has been more than a bit unsettling and the walk tonight had sorta encapsulated the entire adventure. From the beginning I had not had any idea how long I would have to stay in Afghanistan. Writing a book is quite an undertaking and the nature of the one I had come to write would I knew be challenging but just how challenging I now realized I had not adequately foreseen.
Amidst the turmoil had of course been the evolution of the relationship between Mustafa and I, and of course Marti and I too. I had grown very fond of her and missed her since her departure to London a couple of weeks ago.
Her father had made multiple trips here over the past few months, mostly on behalf of Marti's mother, trying to get her to agree to bring Brian and return to London which Marti had proclaimed she had no intention of doing. Her father was more amenable to her mindset mostly due to all the years he had spent in Afghanistan. He too loved the country and its people....thus he understood Marti. Her mother did not share their views and was almost overwhelmed by fear for Brian. She had lost a son-in-law, and a grandson due to the violence in the country and was NOT about to lose any more of her loved ones.
After persistent pleading Marti finally agreed to return to London FOR A VISIT, but she assured Mustafa and I it would NOT be for good. Her home, her life, her friends, and most of the things she cared about including her career were here.
Mustafa and I took her and Brian to the airport and waved them goodbye. We really didn't know for how long and I know we both wondered.
But as I sat in the living room still shivering from the cold night earlier, I was also struck by the turn of events relating to our relationship. I had without question liked Mustafa from the first meeting online. Over time, that liking grew to real affection and respect, and understanding on the part of both of us I am convinced. But when I arrived...I had no clue that that would not be the end of the evolutionary process all relationships go through...at least the ones that last. Now, I wondered. I truly didn't know how he felt, and was equally as unsure of how I felt down deep. And what about my returning to America?
We had walked hand in hand or rather glove in glove due to the cold...for well over two hours in what had to be one of the coldest nights I could ever remember. Hard to believe I had been here this long...from late spring to the dead of winter. But now what? We have really only begun the writing process on the book and to be honest I could do that part from back home...but knew I wouldn't and didn't want to. But what DO I feel? What does Mustafa feel, down deep? We keep walkiing around the obvious...without ever really confronting it...and yet we are closer than most married couples. But again...NOW WHAT?
Questions but no answers. As usual. Quandries but no immediate recognizable solutions.
i sat and pondered...that is at least until Mustafa appeared in the doorway and as I looked up he just stood there looking at me quizzically.
"What?"
"Are you coming to bed?"
"Yes."
"Ok. Just don't stay up too late." Which was kind of funny since by now it was nearing 4am.
Another question. Why?
I guess the answer can only be it is what it is and will be what it will be. Just let time and us take the time and let things go where they will.
Made sense to me.
But again, what about my returning to America? Would Mustafa want to return with me and could he?
More questions but no answers.
But rest assured when I have some of those answer thingies I will let you know.
I promise.
Until then, I guess I should go get into bed and try to sleep but maybe like my very first night here that may prove to be easier said than done.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
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